Reality Check

I get so tired of standing up on my own. I mean, I take pride in being independant. But it's so freaking exhausting.Unlike what movies tell you, carrying the world on your shoulders is not romantic or beautiful, it's exhausting. Sometimes, i just wish someone would offer to pick up the slack, without me even having to ask.

Because the thing is, when I do ask, I often get turned down. What kind of society have we come to, that friends turn down friends for help. Since when is this acceptable? Do I have bad friends, or am I just living in a selfish, self-centered society that made it acceptable for people to focus on their own needs vs helping others.

It makes me isolate myself even more. Why bother? Why even bother reaching out if you're going to get turned down? See, in movies, when the 'carry the weight of the world of their shoulder' character goes to a dark place, their journey is generally realizing that it's okay to ask for help. But they never talk about what happens when you do bother asking, and nothing happens.

Why can't I be the tortured female lead that makes the male romantic interest want to hold and protect her. And why do I keep comparing my life to movies? This is seriously fucked....

Busy Weekend

I have plans everyday this weekend. Which is exciting! Being busy is good!

Tonight i'm going to Mash Up at Shift Space, tomorow I have a birthday party for a friend and sunday I have a dinner plan with an old friend I don't see often enough!

I also made lots of food yesterday so my fridge is stocked and my heart is light.

If only my kitty could get over her cold..she makes me sad. Sleeping and sneezing all the time :(

Sarah McLaclan

Nobody can make me cry like this woman!

Hold on, hold on to yourself
This is gonna hurt like hell

You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe

This isn't easier than the real thing
My love, you know that you are my best friend

Am I in heaven or am I in Hell
At the crossroad I'm standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray

Hold on, hold on to yourself
This is gonna hurt like hell

Snow Day

We have snow today!!

I, of course, stayed inside in my PJs. That is the joy of unemployement! i'm still waiting to hear about the play I auditionned for last week, and I have a meeting tomorow. So, it's not all bad! (Except for the part where I'm still spending days in my pyjamas)

I finally braved the cold and put on my hat and boots to go to IGA. I'm gonna treat myself to a nice spaguetti dinner with ciabatta and wine.

There!

Speed of Sound

Where to, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Split Personality

I've discovered something about myself recently. I have a pretty split personality. Half of me seek comfort; a home, with children and a partner and cooking and baking and laundry. I enjoy feeling taking care of, secure, safe. My childhood was quite crazy, i went through a lot and I don't think I got enough of that "safe" feeling that children crave. That half of my personallity is the child in me trying to get that back.

The other half thrives on adventure and craziness. I love feeling free and wild. I love motorcycle rides and impromptu vacations. I dive headfirst in relationships and end up regretting them. I seek a partner that is challenging and exciting. It's that part of me that wishes for an acting career.

My two halves hate each other. When I choose to act, the safe side of me worries about money. When I want to pick everything up and move cities, I realize that I own two pets, a lease and that I have a mother whom I would leave alone. When I find a perfect comforting secure partner, part of me wishes for adventure and freedom. I am never satisfied because I cannot pick which part of me is more me.

Lancaster, Ontario

I've been gone for a really long time peeps and for this I apologize. During my absence, the leaves turned all kinds of beautiful color and the temperature dropped significantly! But I was gone for a good reason, living out one of my dreams; being the lead in a horror movie. I spent a month living in a trailer, showering in quarters operated public showers and peeing in the woods. I am banged up all over from doing stunts and running through the woods in high heels and barely any clothing. And yet, I had the time of my life! I met amazing people and laughed everyday. I discovered so much about myself as a person and as an actress.

I would do it all over again even if someone were to warn me about the 28 consecutive days sleeping in a chilly damp trailer in the middle of a creepy trailer park. It was worth all the scratches, bruises, rug burn and runny nose.

I'll post some pics of my adventure soon!