I just came back from acting class which ended early today. This whoel acting thing is getting very difficult for me to juggle. I love acting. Love it. But I still don't know if I want to pursue it as a career. It scares me to pursue it. It means letting go of the stability i've craved and created for my self. I like my job, i love my colleague, i love my company. Who am I to yet want more? I am blessed, and i am thankful. And yet, i am not complete. There will always be a 'what if' if I don't pursue it. But I'm scared of regrets if I do. So I try to do both. To take acting workshop, to sus out projects where i can act, where i can model, anything, anything that permits me to be in front of a camera and pretending. I love it. I breathe it. It's been impossible for me to stop.
I did it as a teenager, starting at age 12 and decided not to pursue as a career when i applied for university. And even THEN i never really stopped, because i thought about it, and i took classes in theatre at my school. I even lied to my fellow students in those classes telling them i was doing a minor in theatre. As if i felt ashame i wasn't a part of them. Of those who pursued their dreams and didn't shy from them. I'm a coward.
Recently I've been re-exposed to this world again as my boyfriend produces. And i can't help but always wonder 'what if I was myself in this field?'. Would I feel more like i have a purpose? Would I fill fullfilled or is it human nature to want more then we have? Can the people around me appreciate me if i'm not even accepting myself for who i am or fulfilling my potential.
One of the thing my teacher would say about my acting is that I hold back. But maybe I hold back because i'm scared if I go there, I'll never come back. However, I wonder if my ego isn't twisted to think that i could make it where so many have failed before. To even think i could have the talent.
I mean the answer to 'should i follow my dreams?' is obvious. No one will answer no to that, unless they are the vilain in a movie. however, how do you determine what would really make you happy? How do you determine if you aren't happy right now? I mean, i AM happy. Why would i want more? Would pursuing acting make me more happy or just a different kind of happy? Is it worth the risk? Is it worth what i would lose?
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